I never moved into that dream house. This is supposed to be the easy part, but when you sit on a modern, man-made toilet, you make it difficult for the sharp bend between the rectum and your butthole to naturally straighten and allow for a prompt and speedy exit. Troopers of the poopers and hot as all hell to enjoy. The first time I snuck off into the bushes during a patrol and dropped a tactical deuce, I felt like Christopher Columbus stepping off the Santa Maria onto the shores of Venezuela. Illustration by Matt Battaglia. Enter to win a year's worth of mortgage or rent payments! Pretty much all of the bad tendencies I had before the Army — the drinking, the laziness, the lack of regard for my physical and mental health — have returned.
Illustration by Matt Battaglia.
Girl shits and get fucked in the ass
A website by Thought. That Afghan soldier had introduced me to this ancient pooping custom, and — just as Columbus did with everything he discovered in the New World — I appropriated it. When he jumped out of the shower, I was just left standing there, peeing on my feet, nearly hysterical with the nervous laughter of a not-quite-deviant enough sexual hyena. Pretty much all of the bad tendencies I had before the Army — the drinking, the laziness, the lack of regard for my physical and mental health — have returned. In Afghanistan, I learned that the best way to take a dump is with your knees up and your back straight, but I saw the light and turned away. Food goes in one end your mouth and comes out the other your ass.